It’s a new day

The last few days have been really hard. 

My husband is experiencing new symptoms, including a constant low-grade fever, which has him feeling very crummy.  His specialist made time to see us right away (I am grateful to her for this ❤ ) and ran a whole slew of new diagnostics. As he faces yet another scary, painful reality… we are both doing our best to bend and not snap under the extreme pressure.

Neither of us are perfect.

Some days, he can’t manage a “happy” face or force himself to do the things he knows he needs to do to care for his body (and he shouldn’t always be expected to!), and sometimes… I feel great resentment at finding myself suddenly in the role of caretaker, and my world revolving around his health (which is completely out of my control- which is scary!). 

I snapped last night.  Out of nowhere.  We were getting ready to go to bed and suddenly the words were flying out of my mouth.  Hurtful words.  Painful words.  My husband looked so sad and defeated. 

My heart broken, all I could do was sit there…shaking in anger and disbelief…at myself!  Who was this person that I was becoming?  Who in their right mind goes off like that on someone dealing with life-threatening health issues?

I eventually crawled into bed next to him.  His fever was causing him to shiver, even under the blankets.  I got up and retrieved the weighted blanket, tucking him in, and kissing his forehead.

I tossed and turned all night.  In the morning, my face ached from grinding my teeth so hard.

My husband is a good man.  He’s been dealt some really shitty cards.  He’s also made some bad choices along the way, which he owns.  He deserves my love and compassion…for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

I am also a good person.  I’ve been dealt some difficult cards (and been bestowed many, many blessings) and I have made some bad choices along the way.  As my therapist tells me, I need to be gentler with myself…kinder to myself.  I am only human.                                            

 Today is a new day.  I will do better.  

Taking a deep breath,

Grace

24 thoughts on “It’s a new day

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  1. What a beautiful post processing, owning and putting things into perspective! I’m so sorry for your husband’s new symptoms.

    As someone who spends a lot of time taking care of my two little people, I think I’ve found that for me, there’s a direct relationship of how well I take care of me to how well I can take care of others. I know from a previous post that self-care is on your radar but it also seems like you may have been thrust into this role of caretaker without a chance to plan how to care for yourself. I’m glad you are thinking about how to be kinder and gentler to yourself while you figure it out. And I know you will.

    Sending lots of warmth and care your way!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for this thoughtful comment, Wynne! Self-care is ALWAYS a good reminder. I did a bit of it today… I worked out and used our infrared sauna (we just had one installed to help with my husband’s chronic pain). I consider blogging a form of self-care too as it always helps me to feel just a little bit lighter. I will continue thinking on self-care and learning to be more gentle with myself. I am trying to remind myself that what my husband and I have going on… it’s not a 100-yard dash… this is a mega-marathon, and I need to conserve my energy. Sending lots of love and positive vibes right back at you!

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  2. We get these parts of us coming to the surface…we are human too. We have limits and we keep poking them. Apparently by the end we understand us and what it was all for because of them…but in the meantime it just seems such a hard, hard place to be. I’ve ‘touched’ death and it was very frightening, but it showed me a great deal about myself. About all that ‘stuff’ I’ve ever worried about doesn’t really matter anymore, that I had held the world in my pocket when all I really needed to do was ask myself why…and let it go. And our lives are a very hard thing to face each day, especially in your circumstances…but if it wasn’t we wouldn’t appreciate what we’ve been through or understand its beauty because of that. Love and light to you both, maybe the miracle of Easter can visit you both too. It did me, even though it wasn’t Easter at the time ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this beautiful comment, Mark. I feel the truth in these words, and I want to learn to let go of the stuff that just isn’t important. I am finding that very difficult. But I am learning that for there to be joy, there must also be suffering…that’s just how life works. There is no escaping the pain. I hope I learn how to manage it better and focus on gratitude. Happy Easter, my friend ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You will dear lady, we are an amazing creature and do some incredible things. That is why we can find us among it all and finally appreciate the miracle that we are. Have hope, courage and even a little hissy fit of anger now and then, it all has a purpose, for us and them. Being ‘us’ is the greatest love you can give, to ourselves and others ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Ab! I think I have made peace with it. I want to do better, but I know it’s important not to get too stuck reflecting on what we “could” have or “should” have done. Hope you have a wonderful day! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Honey, take it from one who knows, there are just times when those harsh words will spill over, that resentment will ride you until you break and eventually you have to scream ‘what about me?’ ‘I matter too!’ You are adjusting to a new reality, one that has been forced upon you both, one that is entirely outside of either of your control.
    The adjustment takes time, but things will become more even as time goes on. It may not get better but it will become manageable for the majority of the time. Be kinder to yourself and forgive yourself, the role of carer is a hard one to take on. You are only human, you matter too, so do your feelings. My suggestion would be to go outside and scream your head off somewhere where no one will be alarmed by the sudden noise. I go down to the beach and stand and scream at the sea at the top of my voice for as long as I am able. I always feel better afterwards.
    As a side note, if your man is running a high temp that causes him to be shivering and cold inside, DO NOT make him warmer sweetie, the last thing he actually needs is more heat. You risk pushing his temperature even higher. Switch on a fan, use cold compresses on his forehead and give him lots of cold water to drink. Over here we use paracetamol to bring down temperatures, I don’t know what the equivalent would be in the US. But there should be some over the counter medication (as long as it agrees with his other meds). Much love to you and all my hugs to you both. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for these beautiful words, my friend! I know they are spoken by a strong woman with much experience in this area. Becoming a caretaker has been a huge adjustment, but I hope that I learn to do so with more grace (though I will work on being kind to myself in those moment where I mess up). And about the fever…he can’t take any medications for it, unfortunately. His liver is just not functioning properly enough to handle the over-the-counter meds. We have strict instructions to go the the hospital if it gets over a certain temp (and they will use IV antibiotics to bring it down). So, we just have to handle it in the way that feels best. I hear what you are saying and agree, but in that moment he needed sleep. When he woke up, his fever was way down. Sending much love your way! Praying for good health in your household ❤

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      1. Ahhh, that makes sense actually, I did wonder whether there would be issues with otc meds.
        I will say, you are probably one of the most graceful people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, you are so connected to the ‘now’ and understand yourself really well especially under these new circumstances. I take my hat off to you! 💖
        Health issues are improving daily in my family household(s), the sun has come out and I am working more in the garden, my arthritis doesn’t like it, but it’s doing the rest of me good! The Boy is doing well again, no more high temps and covid has left the building, and T is bouncing back. Mum is still on bed rest but once she has a new battery for her pacemaker things should improve markedly with her general health.
        Anyway my lovely friend, go shout at the trees then hug one, you’ll feel better, I promise. Just know I think about you and yours often and send all of my love and strength to you daily. xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I think you often too, my lovely, beautiful friend! I am glad to hear that health issues are improving over there. And… I have been busy out in the garden as well! We recently completed a remodel of our home, and the landscaping the front yard is the last part. I’ve been busy selecting trees, plants, etc. I am looking forward to having it all planted and installed the first of May. Feeling my hands in the soil, and growing things is incredibly therapeutic! Lots of love across the pond!!! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Josh! And don’t feel awful that your wife sometimes has to be your caretaker. I am sure she is glad to do it, as I am glad to care for my husband when he needs me. It is all a part of a good, solid marriage. At some point, she may need you to take care of her. Have a wonderful day, my friend 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing!!.. you are doing wonderful under some very stressful circumstances!!.. you and your husband are working together to have a better life and with patience you will succeed.. “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ( Maria Robinson )…. 🙂

    Until we meet again..
    May love and laughter light your days,
    and warm your heart and home.
    May good and faithful friends be yours,
    wherever you may roam.
    May peace and plenty bless your world
    with joy that long endures.
    May all life’s passing seasons
    bring the best to you and yours!
    (Irish Saying)

    Liked by 2 people

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