I had a big, scary realization today. It makes me feel sick inside. But I need to get this out… I need to be authentic and share the dark feelings that I am having.
I am no one.
I haven’t done anything of significance with my life. I have a few accomplishments, achievements…but they don’t really add up to anything.
I haven’t built a big, meaningful career. I haven’t raised a family. There are no little me’s, who I have raised who might change the world someday.
How did I end up here? To be honest, I’m not quite sure… a series of my own choices, I guess.
When I was 27 and became a college professor, I felt pretty successful. I was young and teaching college already! I was hired for the first teaching job that I applied for (I was told that I sparkle!) and I have taught at that college ever since. I taught a few other places, but eventually gave them up as I didn’t want to commute long distances. At some point, I grew bored of teaching within my discipline, so I began a doctoral program in a different area of study. A lot happened to me while I was earning my PhD (husband had an affair, my mom died, my brother overdosed) and it took a very long time for me to finish. And now… I have the PhD…but I am unsure what I want to do with it. And to be honest, I think I am afraid to try.
I am also a woman without children. Why is this? I look back and I’m not really sure I ever made the conscious choice not to have children. Back then, I felt young and successful…like I was going places. I could have kids later. And at that point…all of our family lived near us, and we had an abundance of nieces and nephews underfoot. And then…so much happened, and suddenly… I’m 42 years old and regretting that I didn’t build a family of my own.
The thing is… I probably could still build a family. I’m not sure if I can still have my own children (safely), but I could certainly adopt. But that seems scary. It feels like opening myself up in a really scary way. It feels like losing control. It feels like possible heart break.
And I could still do something with my career… but what? I have no idea what I want to do. I have still not found my passion…that thing that drives me and makes me want to put all my energy into changing the world. How do I figure this out?
I feel like a fish out of water. I don’t seem to fit into my own life anymore. I don’t know who I am. There is so much uncertainty. Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?
Thank you for listening. Some days, things just feel harder than others. I know this post is one big whine… I should call the wambulance on myself….
Trying to figure this life out,